I did not sleep last nite.

Remember the guy whom I met at Laqueen, the one who actually has a boyfriend but I'm still going out with him. So let's call him Kayrul.

I was at Kayrul's place the second time last night. Our first night, we just chatted in the living room and his plu housemates were seen pipping from the room. I noticed that he seldom, or perhaps never brought a man back because his housemates said so to me when he was away to the loo.

I'm quite amazed. Well he never brought his boyfriend back home too, which I kinda overtook him there. Secondly, I know Kayrul likes me so much and his affection to his boyfriend is getting lesser everyday. I think. That is what I think, but I don't want to think that way. I am enjoying his company but not to the extend of leaving the boyfriend for me.

I'm still emotionally unstable and I'm taking Kayrul as my medicine.

Everyday I sms him, but with his job which requires him to be attentive to his work when clients are around then I wouldn't be able to reach him for awhile.

Back to last night, I stayed quite late til 3am. We actually kissed and hugged, like we did the first night. But last night, we couldn't help it and proceeded all the way. It might sound a bit corny, we were in the living room and his housemates were walking back and forth from the rooms to the kitchen. Yeah, the living light were all dimed but I was still shy to proceed. But Kayrul was already over me. He's a good kisser. I mean boleh tahan, the type that you can kiss not to boredom.

Kayrul played the passive role, and I the opposite. Hah. I enjoyed it.

We did not went further until our undies, because we agreed not to. I mean sex was not so important to me, and him too. So we stayed hugging one another. Until he slept, and my arms wrapped around him. I dozed awhile, but got up when he actually snored. It was time to go.

Just some pictures I wanted to share from my last Xmas trip to Sarawak. Long overdued but some of it narrates a story.

This is me who so want to be the kampung boy. Tha fact that everytime I go back, I will try not to get my hands really dirty. The most I can do is just feeding the hens. Other manly chores, like going to the jungle for hunting...just so not me.

This trophy is from the many many regettas (or you may be famillar it with the long boat race) won by WiraJude. It's a race boat built by my dad dated back in the early 1990's. WiraJude can accommodate to a maximum 20 paddlers at a time, and has won many races in Brunei, Limbang and the furthest to Kuching. I vividly remember when I was 11years old in Miri, when WiraJude raced in the Lutong river. The most anticipating moment was when I hear family and friends, relatives cheering WiraJude repeatedly! I'm like, gowd, I'm the wira! You won't know how it felt back then. Just like in cloud 9.

There was another season going on during the festive season. It was also the durian season. I'm so blessed that both my grandparents has a durian farm. Gosh, if I were to invite you in my holiday ride I guess you might get fed up by the third day because every meal this King fruit would be served. I think I ate so much that I blotted up. I have to wait for next year again to taste my own Durian!


Mr Piggy, was slaughtered for a lunch bbq hosted by a cousin. Well it was a bit of a reunion gathering for all cousins from the Semenanjung, Brunei, Sabah, Singapore and Australia. Pity him, but we were all so freaking hungry as most of us skipped breakfast for this. Sorry if you're a Muslim, just can't help it to share the joy of being a headhunter again!
Note: The Lun Bawangs are known for their headhunting skills, before the intrusion of Rajah Brooke to Sarawak in the early 19th century.

I have to make a confession here. Well throughout the past one week, I have actually spend my time dating or perhaps you say getting to know this one guy.

Well in my earlier post I did mention about this guy whom I met at Laqueen, and apparently had fallen for me since years back. This dated back to March 2004 when I performed at a showcase in Genting. How remarkable was that.

This guy is a friend to a friend's ex. I don't want to reveal the exact identity because it might cause some speculation around and at the end of the day destroy's everything that was already built. I like him, but I just got teared into pieces from a relationship. And he too is in a relationship, only 1 month old. So it explains how casual and brief we are at the moment.

So we did talked, and I kinda suggested that we should just move along and let time decide everything. I don't want to be another guy robbing someone's boyfriend which I think is one of the most sinful thing to do by a PLU. Dah lah PLU, nak rampas laki orang lagi. Like double edges sword piercing into your heart.

Ok. We agreed to just be casual in our friendship, or dating process. He called me as his teman tapi mesra. Well wasn't that Harry's role before. Hah. So funny. Last Sunday he went to Maison and invited me. I said if your boyfriend is coming then there is no point for me to go. He said no, and he wants his teman tapi mesra to be with him. So I tagged along. Well it might sound stupid, but I'm not losing anything at the same time. I enjoy his company and so do he.

He lives in Bangsar and works there too. Nice guy, outgoing, smart, shy at times but really easy going. He goes to the gym, and lose quite a lot of weight in recent months. Interesting enough when I am suppose to have the same spirit as he do. He likes the way I am pretty much, because he's into guys like me. I won't want to describe myself now, but I just cannot believe that I'm going out with a guy like him.

The only setback now is, I can't bring him out any day I want because if he's with his boyfriend, then priority goes to that idiot. Fcuking hell! I paham lah. I kan husband number 2. Eh.....

I'm a husband now, ok.

A close friend of mine suggested that I should just try to subscribe to Guys4Men.com since my breakup. Well, he said all I need to do now is to meet as many men as possible and just enjoy every bit of it. I don't think he was suggesting me to fuck around town, with any Tom, Dick and Harry.

So I did.

Just a day my profile was logged on, I received three smses from other plu friends saying that they notice my new profile. I'm like how the heck they knew about it. Then I realised that at the homepage of the website, they 10 new profiles would be publicised upfront. And my profile lasted 3 days in the Top10. Great, I didn't really need that kind of publicity. Even my headlines of the profile was a bit bitchy.

Nevertheless, a few guys has replied. Some not my type at all, some so-so, and some really into and likewise.

By the way, I went for movie date last night. With a guy whom I have went out since the break up. I might take him as a rebound, which I don't really want to think so. But at the same time, this guys is currently attached. Not my fault though. They've only been together for a month so still new and berputik cinta mereka. Apparently this guy knew me long ago just didn't had the courage to come up to me until the night at Laqueen. Remember the night I found out about my ex, and my steward friend. Well he was there. And he came up to me. Phew.

You don't know how difficult it is for me to cater and treat my emotional pain at this moment. Unless you yourself have been in my shoe, then we can pat our backs together.

I was browsing through my picture files on the laptop, just trying to recall back memories. Well one of the folder was Sayang. Well since my laptop has been frequently used for public purpose (like my sister, cousin, classmates and sometimes mum too) so any files that is discrete and deemed not to be shared has to be located in a secret hidden folder.

So Sayang folder was pictures of both of us, and mostly his. Well there were some memorable candid shot I took out from my Nokia hp. Some were from the parties he always do, and some were from the holidays we went together.

I don't want to be a cry baby, but as I browse through every picture in detailed my mind begins to mesmerize the moment. Well I was already in the feeling mood, and tears rolling down my chic. Gosh, I'm suppose to move on and I'm still wondering around!

The past week or so, I think I have not been the usual me. Apart taking almost all of the 24hours a day with the cheer trainings and dance rehearsal, I still had time to sit back and think of the sad case. I mean, I am the sad case being dumped over another close friend. Despite loving him so much and at the same time hating both of them for this, I just cannot tolerate but to move on. That was it, Jude you gotta move on.

I met someone last week, and another one over the weekend. But nothing sparkling because I am the sad case. And just to make it worse, I took this test online where it grades you whether are ready to move on from a break up, a rebound or etc. Well the final test said, I am ready to move on but at the same time I might think they guy I'm dating as my ex. The rebound part, maybe. So there you go, the sad case.