Being a companion to another is an honorable act because this would require one to spend his time and most importantly his mind emotion support.

So Chombi has been the perfect charitable model of this act as he has to spend his time with non other than Harry. And just recently Nix.

The past week, my personal endeavor with Harry has been intriguing and a little less boring. I spend the first Puasa eve with Harry, just to spend time with him since he begged for my companionship. Believe it or not, he had no other gay friend to turn to except than me.

I was a little bit reluctant in the first place, but knowing the fact that he was being genuine and I wanted to be a good friend so I did not turn down his invitation. We went to Desa Pandan for the meals.

As we went back, we worked things out just like an item, a couple. But deep in my mind, I know we were just playing a comfortable friendship role. I wasn’t thinking the same though. I miss playing the boyfriend role.

Missing the boyfriend role is one, but playing it the fullest is another. I don’t think I would play a fair chance for the other boyfriend if I were to commit to one in this time.

Same goes to Harry, and same goes to Nix.

The past few weeks since our first date, Nix has been the number one fan of mine. As to compared to Harry, and perhaps any other guys I have met for casual drinks, Nix displayed the most commitment and even promises.

I knew he was so into me, even until this moment. Not giving up despite the gazillions hints and also my explanation to him that I am not ready to play the role again. But he still wants to wait.

Just two nights back, he was calling me and I was lucky enough to lend my pathetic ears for a conversation. He was saying how much he misses me and so, and I was like, “….hmmmmm ok. Good for you.”

He wanted me to be his companion, if I could not be his lover.

I was like, “you mean teman tapi mesra?” I was thinking again for a moment. And said I will think about it because companion seems to be a little less easy going than to be a boyfriend and lover.

Maybe I will be someone’s companion for now, until I am ready to move on to the next stage. So my status now would be single but not available. Or attached but available.

This essay was written for my final assessment for Human Communication subject where we had to write on the Analysis of a Relationship. I think I wrote fairly well as I poured what I kept in mind for the past few years in this.

On 17 February in the year 1983, I was born into this world. The very same day my great grandfather ibu' Rangat, also known as a hero to the community then for his fighting spirit during the Japanese occupation in the 40's passed away. When I was first told of this when I was still a child by my grandfather ibu' Pudun, it didn't bother much of my emotions. But as I reached my teenage hood, it came across my mind again during my 17th birthday. It was then struck my mind that 17 years ago, the torch of the family was then passed to me from my great grand father.

Ibu Pudun or also known as James was sent to Australia for a teaching course by the British colony in the 60's and was fondly sharing about the family rich tradition background. My first contact with him was during one of our Christmas celebration. Since my family lived in Miri and both my grandparents in Lawas (45 minutes flight by twin-otter flight), I didn't get to see much of them except during the holidays. At that particular Christmas celebration, my grandfather was indeed happy to see all his grandchildren around. I was excited to see my cousins, and of course him.

My relationship with my grandfather was not as close as my other cousins, because I did not have the ample opportunity to spend time with him. And only during big family gatherings that I have the smallest chances to impress him with my communication skills. With the thought that he was my only grandfather around, it was already instilled in my mind that he was somebody I wanted to look up to.

As I grew and developed into a fine teenager, I was so curious of many things just like any teenager would do. And one of my biggest anxieties was to know more of my family background and this include knowing of my grandfather and his father and his father and so forth. During one of my school holidays, my parents sent me and my other siblings to go back and visit my grandparents. And this was when I had the involvement stage with my grandfather.

He was so proud to share of the family achievements. I never knew until that very day when he told me that my great grandfather was a heroic head hunter. He kills people for their heads. I was so disgusted when I heard it the first time, but to understand that it was an honorary job to do so during that time I then took it on the personal side. I was born in a family of heroes.

My grandfather was fond with his job. He was appointed by the British colonies then to be sent to Australia for a teaching course where upon his return he was to served the British government. My grandfather was the only 2 natives from the community who made that trip.

As I came back from my holidays, I instantly took pride of my grandfather and his endeavors. He was my hero then. As I knew that the next time I would be seeing him again was in months for Christmas again, I took the initiative to write him letters. We were pen pals for a while, and during that period I was embracing the love of a grandfather to his grandson as much as I could. I considered him as one of my best friend aside from my parents. There was once I had a difficulty to share with my mother on an issue, and I had to call all the way to my grandfather for comfort. And instead he took the front cover and consulted my mother. It was funny and I applaud for his generosity.

We were already the bestest friend and the envy of my other cousins, and during major family gatherings I would always have the honour to be with him. It was easy to find either one us. If anyone was to seek either one, it took only to find the other to spot one. And one most significant things I shared with him was that my grandfather had a big farm where he grew many animals and fruits and vegetables. My favorite was always the star fruit and whenever he knew that I was to come back with my parents, I would already expect a big basket filled with star fruits just for me. He scolded my aunt once for picking one fruit because he prepared them for me.

It was then I knew our love was great.

As days and months passes by, I have anxieties for the future. I was afraid to lose him as early as he was battling for cancer. My grandfather was a heavy smoker and drinker and with my parents and my uncles and aunties nagging to bid him to stop, he ignored them all. I was furious when I found out that he was not helping himself. And I remained to be an obedient grandson during his last days.

When his conditioned turned from bad to worse, my life I shared with him was put on the sideline. I lost a pen pal whom I could pour my feelings out, and I was beginning to lose sight of my hero capability. I assumed during the repairing stages of our lives, I visited my grandfather at home during the school break. I fed him, and brought him around for a morning walk every day. Although he couldn't speak much, I understood that whatever I said and shared was for him to hear. He acknowledges by smiling or just staring in my eyes to signal me that he understood every word I said. On that very last day of the school break, he knew I was leaving and it was all to be seen through his eyes. His tears rolled down his cheek when I gave him my salam as though we were not see each other again.

I couldn't cry because I was trying to hide my emotions as I was a man that he was going to pass the family torch to. All was secretly hidden in me. The emotion.

My grandfather passed away on the eve of 21st November 200, when I was only 17. Our relationship came to an end immediately he took his last breath at the hospital. But I considered our final separation a special one as I was the only one to see him then at the bedside. I still remember how our hands were gripped so tightly that only God knew the strength of his adrenaline pumped to mine.

I was completely blank for a few seconds until I realized that he has already left me for good. In that blinking seconds, the memory from the first day I acknowledged him as my heroic figure, the days of becoming my soul mate and friend, the moment he gives me the star fruits he had kept just for me came vividly through my mind. That was already enough to make me scream his name out loud and cried like a 2 year old boy as though his death was the end of all things.

The period until the funeral, I was only seated beside his casket. I was weak with no strength to notice what was going on then, but my mind was only thinking of him knowing that God was holding his hands to heaven.

Nearly 6 years down the line, I still remember his advices and words of wisdom. Where I stand today, was because of his contribution in preparing me to be a man of wisdom and a man of love.

Logging online the past few days has excite me on one particular site called Myspace. If you're already a member and have not put me on your friend's list please do so by adding me through my email: judebenjamin@yahoo.com

I prefer Myspace to Friendster now because of the interesting features they offer. I get to put my close friends on my Top Lists, and besides I can put on photo comments at any time. And interestingly too, there are more PLUs on Myspace then Friendster. Easy to say, the chances of hooking with a guy is more accessable.

I met one just yesterday. Apparently he was a university student just nearby mine so we messaged online frequently in the hour as we acknowledge ourselves as friends. He was a Sarawakian too, from Kuching. Just slightly 2 years younger than me. I saw all his picture, which of course was the initial start of the messaging. I thought he was cute. And pictures can really be deceiving.

When we met up at The Mines, I thought it was all bogus. A trap. He looked just exactly I saw him on the pictures on Myspace, but perhaps I didn't get to see his character until then. This boy was a slightly soft spoken and shy. Not to what I imagine he would be after all. Patah.

We chatted, but it took a while for me to adapt to his real personality. I was just plain me, perhaps simpler since he was already a turn off.

The lesson from this....jangan terhegeh-hegeh!

Just realising how fast time passes by.

It's already at the end of my semester, and exams are coming in 2 weeks. And I am so so dead. I know I'm expecting high carry marks for some subjects but the Finals is so so important for me to target the 3.5 pointer.

I was suppose to present yesterday for Corporate Communication subject, where I was to present on Managing Communications During A Crisis. But thanks to the MC I had from the doc, I will be able to postpone the presentation to next Monday. More room for adjustment and preparation.

On the topic crisis, it was mentioned that it is part of the human life to live around crisis in order for us to develop. Partly true. I used to have this major issue with my dad. A prolong issue since I was a teenager, and when things got really out of hand I still remember the night when I screamed my lung out of anger to my dad. Yelling the things I have kept in my heart for long to him. He was just in silence, and mum as usual crying. Then he apologised me. And blah blah blah....today Dad is just someone different. He changed for the better. To me. And that crisis we had was enough to build the better relationship I have with him.

Sorry, today I don't have much to write on expect to be an educationist for a moment. I was thinking the other what was I really going to do when I have gradauted.

1. I don't want to cheer and prance on stage for the rest of my life. But I know I am going to be the activists to promote the sport.

2. I don't want to work only for events. It's tiring, stressful but although fun.

3. Teaching? My only other option. Yes, I was thinking to take up lecturing. I still am fond of having myself leading a pack of youngsters who would want to spend their time to learn on new things. Like my coaching classes, I enjoy giving what I know and sharing them to anyone. So guess lectuaring is pretty much the same, but with the subjects that I am convince to share with.

Oh my gowd, Jude becoming a lecturer? Shut up!

I have called Harry less. I have messaged him less.

But he has been calling me a bit more often, and he has been messaging more than before.

I just want to go on with my life, because I don't see me going anywhere with Harry but only as a teman tapi mesra.

I was having a bad weekend. I had fever from Thursday night, the following day so on. I went to see the doctor on Sunday because the temperature was ceiling high and I was actually worried sick. My brother was admitted for dengue nearly 2 weeks back. So I only had that in mind.

Apparently doctor gave me antibiotics, and I'm a little bit fine now. I can see the blue sky clearer today. Heheh.

Harry called to asked if I was fine. I said I'm ok. He didn't say he missed me though. I think I'm asking too much out of it so that is why I decided to just let this go. Not giving up, but just let it go. Because he has other things on his mind now and having a new guy in his life is like a no-no yet.

Hey, I don't want to be in someone's life at the moment. But I just want attention!

So sad.

Today I went for a lunch appointment with my ex at Midvalley. He arranged it. Although we were suppose to meet a few days earlier, I kinda had to forgo the idea because I had other important prior engagements.

So meeting him again after nearly a month he ditch me in the drain made me want to kick him into the big drain too. But I just took things easy when I saw him at the corridor along MPH and Watsons on the ground floor. Twas good to see him again. We shook hands and ushered to the Centre Court.

He asked me where to have lunch, I said it was up to him. Since he is footing the bill. Heheh. He said he let's me to decide and I'm like OMG! So I just made a quick decision but meaninful. We went to this particular Japanese restaurant where they serve beef with rice.

It was once one of sweet days when my ex brought me there to eat. I hesitant at first but kinda liked it. With the different relationship we carry today, the food was still the same.

We chatted while enjoying the meal. I guess he did, while I was busy prapping on new things. I dind't know why I couldn't stop talking. I kept on and on, until I realised that his bowl was almost, say nearly empty while I was still struggling to have my one piece of bite. So I stopped talking and gave way for him to do so, but I couldn't eat much though because stupid me was on a diet lah.

Apparently my ex already knew the existence of my Harry. Why wouldn't I be surprised kan? By the point of the time this post has been online for at least 3 days, my ex could have at least read this already....(right sayang).

So he asked how's Harry, and the things he do blah blah blah..... I didn't want to go into any finer details because I felt so so inconvenient to talk about my current teman tapi mesra guy to my ex whom I have been bonking in bed for nearly 3 years! Gila kah. But I was so not ashamed of saying that I was still a Virgin Mary to Harry! Hip hip hurray.

We went for coffee afterwards at San Fran because Starbucks was loaded with corporate attired human beings chatting on I Don't Know and I Don't Care issues. We then proceed on some issues like our work together on the cheerleading, and his work. And also who is he going out with. Hmmmm.....at least I didn't want to get to know more like he did. Or was I?

Nice to see him again, and prelude to this it would be a comfortable relationship I hope between us. Although it sad to say I still love him so, but not like before.

Harry left to Melaka on Monday morning....and leaving me alone in KL wandering what is he up to there in Melaka. Well he has this convention event going on in Ayer Keroh I think, and I guess it's lot of workload for him this week.

I will be seeing him this Friday I think, if not then Saturday.

He actually called me on Sunday to stay over. He wanted a massage from me. I was not too sure as I had a presentation the next day. But with my weakness obviously on the downside, I actually agreed to see him at home but probably a bit later.

Late was not late, I think I went to his place in Ampang around 6pm.

I haven't finished my presentation slides that evening yet. It was for my Social Science final project presentation, and my topic was on Prostitution.

I became a part time prostitute that night, per say. Gave him a massage but not full body. Please, since I myself don't really know the proper techniques I just went on with whatever was right on my finger tip. Thank God, he was on high with the massage. Perlu ke?

We slept early I think about 11 or before midnite. I did managed to finish the slides, but not the effects and so what not. So my alarm next morning was at 6am.

You know what, and you might not believe this too. I think with that night, it could have been like nearly 10 nights being togother on his Queen size bed (or King) that we actually have not shared the intimacy like any other straight or bi or gay couple would yearn to share. I know he is keen to persuade on some intimacy, and of course I do, but he was obivously giving some weird and unimaginative signals to me. He lies with his back on me, so I give my hand to give him the hug. He reacts by gliding his back on my front. Except that I put my dick and balls further away a little from his cute butt.

That night, I celebrated my first hard on with him. But I did not do nothing. I put my back to his so I could avoid him seeing my going hard and him not. I think.

So there you go, I got up at nearly 6 the next day. Gave him a kiss on his forehead. And hugged him tight before heading to the shower room.

As I left the house, he gave me a kiss on my cheeck before giving me another goodbye hug.

He is so so sweet to me, but I cannot tolerate the whole unfaced frenzia I have of him. I know that he might not put me in his top list because work is always number one. That's what I see it now. And his ex, another horrible thing to say now is one thing he wants to get rid off.

So what should I do with him? Like what I told my other gay friend the other day, "you just go with the flow girl."

And I will do exactly the same too.

So Chombi has not been wandering around, except for having his time spend either with his loyal gay friends. Or some other guy he is or not going out with, or with his cheer family or lastly just stucked at home with his parents doing some good-boy drama show at home.

I've been shying away from the scene the past 2 weeks, I think. There weren't any obvious reason given. I didn't went partying on the eve of Merdeka. And that weekend I didn' t go anywhere, or did I just dropped by at La Queens which went totally wrong.

In between all these uncool hype, I was actually amazed to be able to meet new friends of friends. Just to reveal one of my obvious weaknessess is that I tend to fall easily for friends friend. And that can turn out to be either good, bad, or just plain disastrous.

I still remember whenever my friends at the Palladium organises a party amongst ourselves, and if there were someone new amongst the group and also that he happens to be my type I would then turn that night into the hunting night of mine. And then right after that, it would be over between me, the new friend of our friends. I'm horrible I know but I can't tolerate it myself.

And then came to this one party I attended last week. Initially I was excited with the invitation received because I knew the host well and organising a party by these spoilt brat himself it would turn out to be a crazy maniac one. But come that day, I just had this feeling of unbelonging. I wanted to shy away from the party. I knew a few other plu guys were going, so perhaps it would also be a night of stiff beauty competition. Oh, what the heck I actually went at hte 11th hour when my other friend suddenly decided to go. Seriously, wtf.

We went, drank, ate some tid bits and watched the sideline show. It was ok. But personally, the party could have gone either way. Party just for close-close friends or a mega big party to celebrate the birthday girls 16th year.

The few guys I know were there. Dressing to impress while I opted just to be plain Jane. But there was this one guy, or two you can speak so who was introduced to me like weeks back from my other friends. Let's go by the name of Naz and the other as Hakem. I got to know both from the same friend, i.e. the hosts and actually I was really drawn towards them already. I mean first impression counts so well, that both of them were so so my type.

I was not too sure if I was their type. I don't think they know what I am up to. I mean I like Naz because he is cute and matured, and Hakem because he is cute and matured too. OMG! I'm so blonde.

Then...I do still have Harry to think of. Right?

I had a conversation with Harry the other day on our relationship. Well I was a little bit too impatient about the whole situation we were going through.

I didn't know whether were we going out.

I didn't know whether were we just chilling out.

I didn't know whether was I only being a teman tapi mesra.

I asked whether was he interested in me. Blunt.

He said it was too early to say so, which I already expected. But he did say he wanted to explore further between us before he could go serious. One obvious reason is that he is still hurt from his previous and only relationship.

The weekend we spend together was more intimate as before. Not sex, but the conversation we had and the things we do. First, he showed me his family photo album and his personals too. What impressed me a little was Harry went for Haji already in 2001. Gowd, this reminded me of my ex. And now I am about to date another Haji!

We also went to the pasar pagi on Sunday to buy fruits, vege and some of my favorite kerepek.
We had breakfast and read the paper and continued to tuck in bed. We cuddled and played with our hp cameras.