This boy will be celebrating his 23rd birthday next month. Three days after Valentine's. I have a few things planned in mind.

1. To go down to Singapore for the weekend. To enjoy the clubbing and sauna scene there. Just a change of wind. With my sauna buddies.
2. Bring Willy to Genting for a weekend. Play outdoor games with him.
3. Invite my sister, cousins, gay friends to hangout at Musictheque on the weekend. On my treat.
4. Just stay home. Save money and maybe fly to Bangkok during my semester break instead. That would be in March.

My family and I went up to Genting yesterday for a day trip. Dad needed to get away from the city. But Kuala Lumpur was so quiet.

We had an overpriced lunch at this Penang Village Restaurant. Then dad and mum when somewhere to spend time on their own leaving me taking care of the gang of army. My siblings and two other cousins were excited to go for some of the crazy rides at the outdoor theme park. But we decided to go on for the indoor's instead because we only had 2-3 hours to kill before heading back home. I was bored. Didn't enjoy my time.

Came back with a headache. And a flu.

I went to Musictheque last night. And I should have not went in the first place.

1. It was horribly packed. I can't dance on my podium because there were many other wannabes like me. Strutting their unskilled moves.
2. My Lose Control song was only played half way through. Thanks DJ Ivan. You suck.
3. My beloved ex was there. I saw him with this other guy. I felt uneasy at first. But I'm okay actually. Whatever.
4. My friend's friend, whom I am heads over hill for was there. Dame. I was not on my best dress.
5. The RnP boys were there. Cuter than before. F**K! It was just a night of rude awakening for me!

Some guy I met in the past, messaged me saying: "You look great tonight". That alone was not enough to cure my undespensable hurt. I think I will just come back next month.

Forget that Stevie guy I mentioned before this. After going out in 2 seperate occasions, I found out that Stevie was not that kind of guy I would like to spend time with. He is a bit too outgoing for me and many little other things that have prompt for my decision. And gowd, he's a bad kisser.

Remember in my last few posting, when I met this young man with the tattoo. Well he did called me the night itself. I was surprised. I thought I was not his type. Guess my instinct proved me wrong. We have been occasionally sms-ing one another every day. I was hoping to meet him yesterday, but me being a dumb blonde forgot that it was the family reunion gathering for the Chinese community.

I like him a lot. Though he is barely 19, but he speaks far from his age. He teases me in Mandarin sometimes. He was a shocking pig when he knew I could speak Mandarin. He is now with his family in Kepong. He should be back on Tuesday. And I am leaving to Genting tonight with my family. Just a short holiday.

Oh, his name is Willy. Please remember that.

The reason I am back early and skipping my Thursday class was actually that I am suppose to seat for my driving theory exam this morning. And guess what? I overslept! F**K!

I have to wait for next Thursday again. This will delay the process of getting me my much awaited driving license, and a car.

Mum has been tossing the idea of getting which car for me. I don't come from a very super rich family, so I don't expect anything posh or glamarous. Anything that can drive me, my siblings, my cheer freaks and maybe for some quickie shots would do fine.

I have squeezed my options to 3 cars. All local lah. Since the car will be paid by mum and my uncle's who is helping a bit, well I should be thankful then. If I wish for a posh one, I will have to dig in more and find a f**king rich boyfriend!

Cars and rich boyfriend aside, I weighted myself yesterday and to my delight I have lost 2kilos the past 2 weeks! Gosh. I am terribly happy for myself. I have not been eating like a pig, which is good news. And the gruelsome training schedules has done me good.

If you did read or perhaps glance through the Men's Health (Malaysia Edition) cover for this month, oh gowd! I so want to be like him! Joe Nakamura, the cover model!

This week is a hectic week, maybe because everyone is rushing for the CNY break when only 30% of the Malaysian population celebrates it. Typical.

Me being another typical Malaysian, I packed my begs from hostel after class. I was actually rushing back to KL Central to meet my ex. Or should I say meet my team manager. He is still considered as one. Though I was getting ready for this akward meeting, I was too tied with assignment related stuff. The survey project I was doing is really killing me. I have less than a month to submit the report, and my group members are totally a hopeless bunch of people.

We met around 2.30pm. He was late, not really. Blame on the ATM machine. He had to hop to a few ATMs before queing up at Maybank's. Why is the que at Maybank's ATM is always2 freaking long?

So we had a drink, and chat at Starbucks. The meeting was more of a business matter because our team and a sponsor is organising this cheerleading competition in March which will see participation from teams in the region!

Anyways we had a comfortable chat. I was trying to be as cool, and as normal like usual. Being open in most of the conversation. Although the relationship has now become a total new dimension, it just did good for me. We left nearly 5 because I was trying to avoid the traffic home. It was nice for him to send me back and wait for the cab. Really sweet.

I had the most boring weekend ever. Or was it not?

Friday night, I spend a tiring 3 hours at the gymnastic centre. I was trying too hard to master my handspring. In the end, I had muscle cramps on both hands. Dame it. As I got back home, the thought of going out was in mind but my tiring physical condition has put it on hold. Maybe Saturday night.

As I was hoping to have a blast evening, again I had to put things on hold as I was too tired by then. I had an early morning to drive mum who was to attend a 1-day course on F&B management. And then to the car worshop to do some minor repair on the car. Then rushed to Mines to collect some cheerleading payment before heading for a 4 hours class with the DHL staff. I still had the cramps from the gymnastics.

By evening, I was too tired. I slept at 11!

Sunday, again had an early day. I was to attend this ceramah for driving. Since I will be taking my license soon, it was a compulsoy ceramah. I wasted 5 hours sitting on a not-comfortable-chair. I took the opportunity to nap.

Then I rushed for 3 hours class with DHL. Afterwards sneak to Thermos. I needed a break. And it was indeed a pleasure ending for the weekend. Met this really cute and convincing Chinese boy who happens to study Piano and Singing. I was also impressed with his tattoo on the back. We f**ked.

I slipped my number to his locker, when I did not realised that he was actually seeing me doing it. I shyed away, but he called me last night. So there you go!

I went through my planner for the next 3 months, and gosh, I have a very very demanding schedule. I have to thank the Chinese New Year celebration because I will having one week break from class. But afterwards, it will be fully packed with assignments due, project assignment and the freaking Finals in mid March! Apart from that, I will also be simillarly busy with coaching classes.

I was recently offered to train the Sri Aman school in PJ. I have accepted the offer, as I am quite convinced with the team. I watched them last year at the Nationals and I'm quite confident with they're chances this year. I have penned a program that would built a stronger team after reviewing what went wrong with the past 2 years of coaching. How serious I am this year, is difficult to explain, but I am quite desperate in the case of winning the trophy.

That aside, I still have the two office staff trainings. AmBank's performing on the 18th next month. Gowd, that is a day after I turn 23! Meanwhile, DHL's on the 11th in March. And that's in Singapore!

Just out from a meaningful relationship, makes me feel so lonely most of these days.

My usual routine I enjoyed the last time is now no more a reality. No more calls in the evening from him. Or no more sms-es from him. Yes still thinking of him but then it is so confusing to think of the relationship again and again. I should move on.

Stevie is nice. Young like me, not very outgoing, but quite experienced in the field. Cute, tall and lean. Mix Indian and studies the same course as I am! He happens to know my use-to-be-best-gay-friend-but-now-selling-drugs, which was interesting. I mean how he knew him that is. He used to work part time at this one plu bistro somewhere near Puduraya, but now defunct because who goes there to dine at God-I-Don't-Know-Where-Am-I?! And this use-to-be-best-gay-friend-but-now-selling-drugs happens to hangout there most of the time!

I met him at a hangout joint, who happen to be a friend of a friend of mine whom I was to meet. I was having my Twister! Then we shared another. Chatted and we exchanged numbers. We went out again after that. And again. Just met him earlier today for dinner. Stevie is nice. But I might just give it a pass because of my past. I hope Stevie doesn't read this. He doesn't know I write one. Unless he again happens to be a friend to a friend of mine who does blogging! That's insane then.

Sorry I have been quite busy the past week as I am working on my report writing subject. We were given a week to hand out questionaires of our selected subjects. It was fun to hand it out, though it took me big guts to send it to some of the Malay kampung guys. Heheh.

Anyways, my research is on University Students Opinion on Prevention of HIV/AIDS. Since I will be committing myself with Pink Triangle's workload this year, I thought of starting by learning of the issue itself. On the undergrads point of view lah.

I did my interviews too.

This weekend, I will be busying tallying up the results. Imagine 500 questionaires!

Crazy bulls**t!

Elsewhere, things are getting paced up. School has started which means cheerleading program shapes up. I am coaching two schools this year. The latest being an offer from a school in PJ. I was esclated when the teacher advisor called and offered the coaching job!

I'm also coaching or say training the staff of DHL Malaysia and AmBank Region 3 staff for their respective sports event. Quite hectic. Aiyo.

Sex: Boring.

Love: Boring.

Porn: My best friend!

My sister received presents, and packages from her Nepalese based boyfriend. Coincidently, one of her classmates was going to Kathmandu for a holiday trip. So my clever sister, who has not met this guy (accept online), arranged for this two to meet.

He was to pass my sister's friend the gift packs. So this friend came back two days ago with a big plastic beg. In it, contained Nepalese junk food and other stuff. I liked the dried nuts with raisins. I finished a packet.

I just couldn't believe how deeply in love is my sister with this cyber boyfriend of hers. Although I could be envying her for having such a gorgeous lover, but the fact is that the relationship is so.... omong omong kosong!

I'm single, but I would not want to desperately invest in this "techno" relationshiop. I think its stupid. Well some human can get trapped in this, like my sister, maybe it is fated. Maybe not.

She was stressing the words Valentine's Day today. Thanks to Hitz.fm! I told her its just a waste of money! Everything on that particular day is purposedly to make men broke! I don't have plans to celebrate mine. Never did. I'm still grieving with the past. It sucks. Though I keep on thinking about the new man I meet everyday, the past keeps on haunting...and hits me back.

I went to the MAS Academy this morning with mum. She works there. I was there to busybody. Got too excited when I heard she said many stewards. I went for breakfast. And so help me God, I met a few guys who were really really really my type! I was week. But attention was on me because of my stupid red mowhawk hair. Anyways, I set at one corner. With mum. While carefully sipping my teh tarik, this one guy approached our table. Shit!

"Hey, you from Sri Garden right?"

I looked at him, he was so famillar.

"Yes", I replied.

"Jude kan?" He was excited now. He smiled.

"Yes", I replied.

"It's Erwan, your junior lah".

"Ya, ya, my junior. No wonder you looked famillar", I replied......

Mum was there. I felt akward at first.

He left us. He said goodbye.

And I got his number!

Yes!

To continue from when I bought a doughnut for my roommate. Yesterday, I came back a little late from training in Seremban. Mum was already waiting nearly 15mins for me. So I rushed to my room to get my things.

He wasn't around. It took me a minute to get htings packed into the suitcase. Ala-ala steward Air Asia! Cause I was wearing an-all-black attire. Cool glasses. My suitcase was red. Trolly beg konon.

As I was closing the door, there he was from the end of the corridor reaching towards me. I was nervous. I said, "Hey Lim, I'm going back to KL." He said, "Oh okay. See you next week. Take care." "Thanks", me said.

My heart said, "F**K!".

I left him as my mobile was ringing non-stop. Mum was impatient. Me too. And gowd! I forgot the doughnut! Again my heart speaks, "F**K!"

Had an early day today to complete my report writing assignments. For the next week, I will be conducting interviews and surveys on campus and two other campuses on University Students Opinion on Prevention of HIV/AIDS. This survey, and a follow up of a report presentation at the end of the semester contributes to 20% of my final mark. I have to score A for this in order to achieve my 3.5 point.

Elsewhere, I saw the Hero Remaja guy again today. I think it is fated that we will only meet on Wednesdays for the Report Writing class. I got to know that he is studying Business Admin. At least we nod, and smiled today.

My roommate is a blonde boy. I asked if the lab was opened at night. He said no. Only the library is. I was just double checking with him, as my Pakistani friend, Ali, was enquiring. I'm now at the lab. Chatting on Mirc at the same time. Only a few PC has the chatting privillege and I am one of the rightful owner. I am still finding difficulties to break the ice with him. My sister finally met my roommate today at the cafeteria. She was so so excited because my roommate was obviously cute. Fair chinese boyish look. I so want to hug him right now. Anyway I bought him a chocolate doughnut from Dunkin's. I will give him later. Will see how it goes.

My dear Ex,

I have decided to write to you here since I know you will read this one day. It may seem stupid, but I have no other means. I don't have the guts to call you anymore.

First of all, I would like to sincerely apologise for my inconsistent behaviour. I know I was really in love with you but my mind has totally forgotten the duties I had with my feelings. Yes I am selfish. I purposely postponed the meeting, hoping that I could be relaxed with the whole situation and let time decide. But I guess my untolerable commitment has made you insane. And that led up to the critical decision. I understand.

I know it is silly to say that I do still love you. And I do care about you. But we have decided to not continue.

I have realised how inconsistent I was in our relationship. And I realised that I didn't give as much as you wanted. I was making the many mistakes. Though having this relationship meant so much to me, I consider myself inexperience and trying to learn. I accept the fact that this is how it is done when relationship don't work anymore. And I have learned my lesson.

Sometime soon, a new man will appear in your life. I bet. And I could no longer be in your life anymore. You have said your goodbye to me, but I am not returning mine as I still consider you someone whom I care for. I just pray to God that whatever you have invested in our relationship, and in me, throughout the past years we were together, that it would do good for yourself epsecially in your health and career.

Take care.

Your ex adik

Back to hostel, and is back to reality again.
I just cannot tolerate how bad is the communication is with my roommate. Just this afternoon, after lunch, I went back to the room and there he was entertaining one of his friends. I got to know him from their conversation. I was there but couldn't care less to say something to them. I was tried. I was dumb.

So I took my nap. They were both still chatting on some college issues. They were not chatting, they were bitching. Staright guys bitching. Then I heard the door closed. We were alone. I starred at my clock, it was 2.05pm. I slept for a good 15mins. He was on his bed. Now half naked. I looked at his smooth back, gosh only God knows what I was feeling. If I was a man, a man with no honour, a man whom cared less of the situation and environment, I could have just jump over to his bedside and gently caress his back. I will do many other things.

Reality check: That would not happen.

My aim until the end of this week is to actual break the ice between us and start to have conversation. It is a shame for communication students like me failing in the simplest test. F**K!

Me, Myself and My former(s)

The past 3 days, I have been accidently meeting up with my former in-bed partners around town. First, this one MAS steward whom I was so fondly in too before I was in my relationship with my ex. This guy, call him Abg I, was spotted at Lot 10. I just got out from Thermos. My hair was done neatly. I noticed him from afar. And of course he did too, because as I approached and passed Dome he waved at me and gave me a nodding smile. I smiled back. He was with a few friends. As I already passed him, I heard my name being called. Dame. I turned back and there he was heading towards me. We shook hands. He was still cute the last time I left him. He was on a weekend break before flying again. We had the usual chat. I had to rush to airport, so I made the conversation quick. He did asked if I had the same number. I said yes. So we parted. F**K! He had my old number.

Today, I drove to Desa Pandan to buy some hardware stuff with mum. I registered myself at the Driving Centre too. But when I returned to see mum at the hardware shop, I saw a famillar guy. But he was with this woman and a child. Gosh! Is that who I thought it was?!

2 years ago, I was madly in love with this one Malay guy, who happen to stay in the same Condo but at different block. He was an upcoming lawyer in town. Then, I was just an aspiring Law student. But it strucked us both immediately (after only a week of sleeping over at his place), that he was already planning to get married. And he also had a lover (a man!) too. So I dropped everything and waved goodbye.

It was him whom I say, and I did my very best to avoid him. But my silly Mowhawk hairstyle is too easy to be noticed and he saw me. He smiled and approached me. We shook hands and he intoduced his wife. I said, "Hi sir". He introduced me as his student, because he was a lecturer at UPM before this. Which was the perfect cover up. I could have blurted out, and said that I have sucked your husband cock before.

I'm happy for him.

But I'm just so confused with myslef now.

Selamat Tahun Baru to all!

Being a student, I really hate the holidays. We had Sultan of Selangor's birthday on the 18th of December, Christmas on the 25th and New Year's, all of it coincidently falls on the Sunday. Automatically we have our Monday a holiday. I find it frustrating because I have been missing my Monday lecturers, especially for 2 important subjects. Although I can do some catch up on reading, but I do still feel the importance of having the lecturers in class tutoring us. Isn't that their rightful duty?!

Whatever it is, I have my Semester exams in March. And I have targeted to score a minimal 3.5 score. The reason is that I want to give it a shot on the scholarship of which will entitle me on 75% off from the tuition fee. And also that I would be able received 1-3K if I have tremendous co-curricullar activites. Duh! Cheerleading. To achieve this, I have to work hard.

I just love myself, and the things I am doing at this moment.

I know I am missing some important things at the moment. I was given a choice and I have decided. I hope many good things will come in return. If not, then I have to suck it all in and learn from this.

What I am looking forward this year:
1. A car for myself. Mummy is okay with it. I'm taking my license class next week. Registered this morning. Irony huh?
2. Now that I am a full time student, all I need to do is to study as much, and to score as high. I desperately want the scholarship. So if it takes to sleep with the old man at the admin, I wouldn't mind too. Haha! Gila kah?!
3. Cheerleading, and a new calendar. Many things to achieve this year. I know it is going to be much more difficult in terms of working things out, as we would be left alone on our own with no adult supervision. I just ask for God's guidance and all. I believe I can do it.
Countries that I am expected to fly to: Indonesia, Thailand, Singapore and UK.
4. And to be a great man to myself, my family and my lovely friends. I just want to be free, to be able to do things I want to do, and to reach more goals. I don't want to be noticed, but I want to appreciate.

I will be turning 23 this February, single and determined, I just hope for a better year ahead of me. I could be f**king more man, but this heart of mine will still stay within me. I am still unstable. My feelings for him is still burning. But only time will wash this all away. This flame will soon die. Or not.

It has been an amazing week for me. First of all, I would like to sincerely apologise for not being able to update any posts here. Sorry for keeping you logged on this page and getting frustrated. Here is a re-cap on the last week of 2005.

Christmas Day (25/12)

Dad wasn't around (back in Sarawak for some official visit), so I decided to take charge and be the man of the house. I told mum to let me decide on Christmas plans. I treated my family for a good Christmas lunch at this fancy restaurant at Great Eastern Mall.

Boxing Day (26/12)

It's holiday everywhere today. I stopped by at Thermos for some good relaxation. Met someone whom was really nice. Though it was akward, in the sense that I was wooing his friend in the first place and finally got him instead. A tagged along afterwards for tea at Kak Ara and got to know this guy personally. He is so suitable. Today my sister turns 20. I bought her a ring.

I'm the Man! (28/12)

Mum left to Sarawak this morning. And I have the full authority to the car, with the consent from mum. The reason is that it is convenient for us to drive up and down from college and back home as my younger-spoilt-dumb brother is at home alone. So it has been driving up the highway most of the days, spending so much on petrol. F**K.

This is it, Vennetto! (30/12)

My boyfriend, or my ex, is finally an ex. Today he came over the house and took the cats back, practically taking away everything. I mean the relationship. It tooked nearly half an hour for him to confront my confused feelings. I was disturbed at that moment. We were standing on the road side. Cars were moving, slowing down, peeping on us. (On the cats actually...they were bogged in the cage). He was trying to get answers from me, for my confused behavious. I myself, I was really not in the mood to speak. To say something. No explanation. So he purposely forced me to say that it is over, of which I had no choice to. So I said the words I hated to say...."*****, I don't want to see you anymore."....... It was really difficult for me to say them. I knew he was ready to hear them, but reality check it sucked both of us in. He left speeding away, and I crawled back to the carpark, hopeless, helpless, trying to figure out the every word I said.

I drove out. I cried. I scremed, I cried. I'm an asshole. I think.

All Cried Out by Allure was on air, that did not help. Jam was bad. Neighbours peeped on me. I was the road drama then. I hated it. I cried again.

The New Hope (31/12)

It has been a blast 2005. How dreams become reality. How love showed many wonderful things. My family. My friends. My love.

I decided to spend my evening with my sister, brother and cousin at home.

I cooked us some chicken chop-home style, loads of drinks, and bought new dvds. We watched Jessica Alba tring out as an Iban-girl in The Sleeping Dictionary. Watched Julia Roberts and Jude Law in Closer. Watched the fire-works from the balcony.

The Countdown Begins (1/1/06)

Sunday morning, the first day of 2006. Whereelse do I find solace than church. I had not much sleep earlier because I was invited for a late night supper at 3am with this guy. There was nothing much going on because I was not in the right frame to do anything. I knew he was up to something, but I have already made up my mind that we were out for just a drink.

After church, we got home. Cleaning the house. Mum called to remind on her flight.

The raining evening didn't stopped me from going to Thermos. This time around, I was there invited by an old friend to catch up on time. It was new year, surprisingly though there weren't that much too offer either. Man it sucked! Mum arrived KLIA at nearly 10pm.