I met my ex the night before.

It was our reunion after nearly 2 weeks of seperation. He was away a day earlier to KK for a short weekend holidays with his gig, while I went off to Bangkok. And when I'm back, I flew out again to Miri leaving him all alone not to himself maybe but with his gig.

So, what am I suppose to think the past few weeks when things unreal happening to be real and threatening to my side. I know how much he loves me, but does he really do like he does the first time.

I know I have changed drastically the last time he dumped me. I knew my heart was already closing down to accept only the one man, but this one man I was hoping for to received it back does not want to acknowledge nevertheless continued on pursuing what he thinks is bests for us.

I'm blindly following the course, maybe because I'm guilty of my dirty sins I've committed and how much I have hurt him in the past. If that becomes the measure, then I am deserving all this now. But coming to a point where I know that a person who has committed a mistake shouldn't be punished forever. And I certainly don't know where does the line stand.

You can say I'm in a terrible emotional hurt at this moment. Especially when I had the one week break from studies, it gave me the advantage to think of this relationship I have with a man whom I really love and care at the same time is going out with another man which I have no doubt would turn out to be a serious one later.

I need a voice to whisper to me, a direction. I need to listen to the voice from within me, but I'm not too sure of it too because it sounds so confusing to me.

So I'm back after the adventurous rides I've had the past week.

My semester finals would be in 2 weeks, and I think everything is in the right order. I've registered for 7 subjects, and which 1 subject I've already scored an A. The remaining 6 will be put to the final test from March 12nd until the 22nd. Right after that, I will be leading my Communication Society to USM Penang for one education trip. There, we will be participating in the annual ADWAVE event organised by the Mass Communication school of USM. It's an event where a workshop, seminar and some competitions are held pitting communication students from around the country on thier skills. We're competing in the DiGi SIM Pack design competition.

It's a three day trip, but I have to cut my trip short as I have to be back a day earlier as on the 25th of March a cheerleading competition is held at Cineleisure Damansara. My team, Extreme Malaysia Allstars will be competing in the Partner Stunt and Open Dance Division. We're favorites for the dance, but for partner stunt we're seeded 2nd behind our rivals the CHARM Allstars. Will see how this go.

Elsewhere, my cheer and dance classes are quite packed as compared to the previous years. Currently, I'm training the students of Sri KDU in Kota Damansara for the Sports Day which would be held next week. Right after, I will be starting the competitive cheerleading program with two teams from Sri Aman in PJ and Seri Bintang Selatan in Cheras. I'm preparing both teams for the national high school championship in July.

Besides this, I've been called back to train the DHL staff for thier upcoming annual world games which will be hosted by Malaysia in June. And not forgetting my hip hop classes which runs on the weekends for beginners.

I'm tied enough until my social life has been nearly cut off! Argghhh....

I'm leaving on the 7.25am flight to my hometown, Miri under the expense of my aunt. Apparently she heard of the news from mum that I was involved with the PGL musical, and how I successfully choreographed 2 consecutives native dance for the Gawai celebration in KL. So without hesitation, she booked me for 5 days to teach some young natives to prepare them for the upcoming state level Gawai celebration.

This would be a huge task simply because the dance that I'm choreographing would represent the whole picture of the community itself. I did my research a little bit, and adding with my knowledge and my vast talent I have somewhat created a routine, or simply a showcase that would revolve around the Lun Bawang community.

I recieved a piece which was emailed to me from aunt late last year, a compose of the original busak pakui song with a twist produced by the RTM Sarawak people. For me, it was a new breathe of sound and something I would prefer to use rather than the old boring tunes. I'm using this piece as the heavy background, and with the help of one kind friend I would mix this tune with some other sound mixes too to make it more interesting piece.

It is nice to know that I will be heading my way to my birth place. I certainly know there would be many changes since the last visit in 1999. One things for sure, there should be more PLUs then before! And shopping places to go to.

I'm still suffering from the Bangkok wetdream, but I will try to pass that out soon before I land at Miri airport. Because I'm on a working visit, and if I don't perform well on this task it would definetly not be good for me either.

I think I have hinted my biggest confession on this wall, that I'm currently attached back again with my ex. I don't know how to explain this, but this man has actually influenced so much of my life that I can't delete him out.

Maybe some of my close friends do I know that we're living in a complicated relationship. But at this moment, things might turn out to be really complicated. Apparently, my ex aka my boyfriend is going out with someone whom he met from a cruisy area. Woudln't want to go further but to explain things, I did mention that our relationship would be going beyond what would be expected. The consent of having sex with another man is permitted but having emotions involved has actually broke this promise.

I don't know what am I suppose to do now as I was away to Bangkok, this guy brought my ex to his hometown in Sabah for a holiday. A holiday, a vacation, honeymoon its all the same.

The past one month, I've been hurt by all this and I have confronted him many many times. I'm pretty much insecure of myself at this moment, the thought of losing him to one asshole who can't even understand the fact that he is taking out someone's else man. I begin to hate the man I have loved for a year now and that has pinched my heart.

My ex, as I will still refer him here, will not know how much this has hurt me so much. Maybe because I hide all this when I get to see him. When I sleep by his side, with his arms hugging me safe and sound, I sleep like a baby putting all the worries away.

I know he will read this sooner or later, so this was planned to write my confession on my wall.

Sayang, I love you the day you told me that I should be
leaving you. To leave you alone, and find another man who is suite for me. Until
I find no one irreplaceable. But now, I find it all meaningless. It seems that
you are crossing the different road as I am still waiting for you. When I was
having my dinner on Saturday night, I had to breakdown with tears as you
were with someone far far away and I was alone the night I turned 24. The only
thing that became my comfort was reminiscing my first day meeting you at your
home on the Sunday evening.

And of course, the many sweet memories we spend together.

I'm safely back home, writing from the desk of my room. Just 24 hours ago, I was still roaming around the streets of Siam. And it all now comes to a sweet memory. A birthday gift that I would never cease to forget.

There were a few notable things that had happened, and made me realised that life isn't just beautiful but worth the living. Pity those who just cut thier lives short knowing that life for them isn't worthy. Maybe because they have not heard of Air Asia, Now Everyone Can Fly. To fly them to a place where they can appreciate their life.

So I wasn't really celebrating myself, but discovering a different world and the different culture. The nice thing was that I took this trip the backpacker way, and I met a few interesting people along the way. Made friends with 2 dorm mates on my last two evenings, one whom was gay guy from West Jakarta and the other a conservative English young man. The Indonesian guy was in his late 40's and was story telling of Bangkok and it's lifestyle as though he was the chosen ambassador. I think it was his millionth trip to Bangkok. Nevertheless, he guided me through the streets of Silom especially the Boystown.

I also made friends with a Thai man whom I met from Babylon. Apparently he lied his aged when we first made conversation, and with the dim light of the sauna it worked for him. The next day we met again at Mania Sauna, the place he suggested for me to visit as it was walking distance from the guesthouse. I knew he was coming as the night before, we parted unofficially as he was busy watching the go-go show while I was rushing back to get ready for clubbing.

Thai man are nice, easy going and simply friendly. Maybe because I was young, and had this different feature so it lured them to be nice to me. I was confident that I would be getting some dirty hands into my pants, but amazingly I wasn't in the mood of getting dirty. Maybe because I was physically tired form all the tourist walk I made the the day before. But whatever it is, it was certainly a pleasing encounter.

My last evening in Silom, the Thai man from Babylon, aka Tawatchai aka Tom, bought me dinner. At first we planned to go for a drink at the bar and watch one of the shows, but I reluctant to as I wasn't in the mood. Secondly, I was nearly drained. So dinner was another option. No wonder he was insisting to do something with me, because he wanted to treat me for the birthday. The evening at Babylon, he was teased by his two other friends for not treating me and perhaps he wanted to be the nice gentleman.

Tom is a nice friend, and we chated our away during the South Thai cuisine we had on Soi 1, Convent Rd. From Thai politics, to the current economic situation and some other cultural exchange we talked like nobody business. I asked some personal questions, and apparently he has a gig. A gig is someone who is more than a friend but less than a boyfriend. I told him is it something like a fuck buddy, he said no. In return, I told him I too have a boyfriend but my boyfriend has a gig.

We laughed!

I slept early the Sunday night. Counting my hours as I touchdown on home soil again.

Woke up on a beautiful Sunday morning on the streets of Silom Soi 8 with a hangover! Darn. I was planning to make a roundtrip at the Siam centre where a few big malls are situated which includes MBK, Siam Discovery and Paragon.

So instead I walked around the corner of Silom Rd towards the Snake Farm which was next to the Red Cross Society. Opposite the farm was Robinson Store where I purchased a swim trunk which was really nicely design and cost me only RM19! If I were to buy them at the Lot 10 branch, it cost me a bomb!

I went back to the guesthouse to charged my MP4 as I was told to go to Siam centre in the evening at around 7pm where a massive Red Dragon performance will be held, and the Princess of Thailand would be there to officiate the Chinese New Year. So while waiting the batteries to be charged, I went up to my dorm and chatted with one English guy. He was travelling in Siam for a month and will move on to Burma and Vietname.

I took a nap which lasted for 3 hours! As I got up, the street of Silom was getting packed. My Vincci watched says 4pm. My plan then was to visit a sauna called Mania, which was only 15minutes walk. I found my way thanks to the Gay guide I got from Babylon the other night. My simple comment is that Mania consists of many local young man, whilst Babylon are where you can Pharangs and Pharangs chaser! The entry was only 140Baht, and it has 5 stories, two of which was garden floors. I was greeted by the owner, Yong who was Chinese Thai. He was so fond of me that he introduced me some other matured rich Thai man! I wasn't going to be labelled the Thai money boy, but it seems that those other man who saw me at the bar with these man seem to think that way.

Thank god the friend I met at Babylon soon arrived and escaped my way with him to the garden floor. We chatted and met his friend from Taiwan. We chat again. Mania was nice to hangout and chill. And coincidently the night was naked night, on the third floor. I didn't want to participate as it wasn't really my culture. Hahah. But I see almost all man who visited Mania were seen moving on to the third floor. At the entrance you see piles of towels and imageries of naked man in the darken floor. Sounds interesting.

I think this visit has been an eye opener, and I've learn a few things and tricks during my 5 days stay. Shopping haven, but it torchers your wallet. Nice delicacies and really friendly Thais. So all in all this is my greatest birthday present I've bought for myself.

Kudos.

It's February 17th, exactly 24 years ago I was born at Miri General Hospital. I'm not too keen in my wildest dream that I would celebrate one of my birthdays very far away from home. Currently writing this post in Silom Road, Bangkok, Thailand.

Yes, I bought an Air Asia ticket nearly 2 months back planning to celebrate this eventful day of mine here. The day I left LCCT on Thursday, I was practically not prepared at all for this trip although I had a few discussion and revision with my boyfriend of what to do during my weekend stay. So I used that as my rough guideline.

There were a few things that I had to do or visit, that is:

1. Grand Palace

2. Chatuchak

3. Babylon

4. DJ Station

5. MBK

6. Siam Square

My first step at the Bangkok International Airport, my heart was pumping mad and my mind kept on running. What? How? Where? And things like that. But I told myself to calm down, and just enjoy every minute of it. I was told how the Thai people are so friendly, and indeed they were. The every hour I'm lost in Bangkok, that moment I thanked those many Thai people I bumped and made sign language to ask for direction. One memorable event was at Chatuchak. This lady was selling satays on the street vendors, and I was looking for a toilet. I had the map but I was so lost. So I approached her, and she quickly pinched my shirt and dragged me to the toilet. I mean it was so nice and crazy too where she had to leave her food burning just to take care of my insensitivity!

The day I turn 24, I spent nearly 3000 Baht just to pamper myself. I'm a money spender, and I don't spend on things that I like but things I like to get for my family and friends. I'm not nice, but just simply me. At Chatuchak, I was planning to spend around 1000 Baht but digged in my wallet to add another 1000 Baht. I bought a new shoe, some accesories for myself. And of course the many many gifts for my love ones.

My handphone kept on ringing with the incoming messages, and many unexpected friends wished me and while some friends I hoped for did not. Whatever. I'm still happy.

When I get back to home, I would want to remember this trip really well because it was my first trip overseas where I had to do everything alone. From buying the air fare, travelling, planning and all. I think its the right sign that I'm matured and brave and bold. Of course, I'm 24 what!

Oh by the way, with Sunday and Monday to go I roughly have like 2000 Baht to count on. I'm actually running away from the budget I made earlier thanks to the innocent trip to Chatuchak! I hope I won't make many silly shopping kills again, which I am very weak at that. My destination on the list for Sunday is to walk around the malls, just window shopping! Damn. Unless if I were to spend, then Sunday night I have to make myself up and lure some ugly old white man and ask for 1500 Baht for my service! That's the desperate part! Hahah.

I've been visiting Blueboy so often the one month that I think I'm becoming obsessive with this. And going there has not really tested my dancing floor skills either as the music is really really not my type. And what kind of music does Blueboy plays again? I don't know.

I don't know how to describe this urge of mine that going to Blueboy nowadays is like a must, or at least meet some plu friends at neabry Kak Ara for casual drinks but which would follow suit entering the club again.

Just last week or so, I went in with my sauna buddy. It was kind enough of him to entertain my company as I don't really have plu friends of my age to depend on. We had dinner and walkabout at BB area until the night time crawls in our skin. We went to Blueboy as one of the earliest guest. That night I wasn't expecting much but just pure fun with my friend.

So one of the patron that night was one guy whom I met not long before, introduced as a boyfriend to a friend who was a boyfriend to my close friend. Anyway, I find him an interesting guy because he spotted some physical features that made me go weak on my knees! Aduh.

To be continued...