My dear Ex,

I have decided to write to you here since I know you will read this one day. It may seem stupid, but I have no other means. I don't have the guts to call you anymore.

First of all, I would like to sincerely apologise for my inconsistent behaviour. I know I was really in love with you but my mind has totally forgotten the duties I had with my feelings. Yes I am selfish. I purposely postponed the meeting, hoping that I could be relaxed with the whole situation and let time decide. But I guess my untolerable commitment has made you insane. And that led up to the critical decision. I understand.

I know it is silly to say that I do still love you. And I do care about you. But we have decided to not continue.

I have realised how inconsistent I was in our relationship. And I realised that I didn't give as much as you wanted. I was making the many mistakes. Though having this relationship meant so much to me, I consider myself inexperience and trying to learn. I accept the fact that this is how it is done when relationship don't work anymore. And I have learned my lesson.

Sometime soon, a new man will appear in your life. I bet. And I could no longer be in your life anymore. You have said your goodbye to me, but I am not returning mine as I still consider you someone whom I care for. I just pray to God that whatever you have invested in our relationship, and in me, throughout the past years we were together, that it would do good for yourself epsecially in your health and career.

Take care.

Your ex adik

Back to hostel, and is back to reality again.
I just cannot tolerate how bad is the communication is with my roommate. Just this afternoon, after lunch, I went back to the room and there he was entertaining one of his friends. I got to know him from their conversation. I was there but couldn't care less to say something to them. I was tried. I was dumb.

So I took my nap. They were both still chatting on some college issues. They were not chatting, they were bitching. Staright guys bitching. Then I heard the door closed. We were alone. I starred at my clock, it was 2.05pm. I slept for a good 15mins. He was on his bed. Now half naked. I looked at his smooth back, gosh only God knows what I was feeling. If I was a man, a man with no honour, a man whom cared less of the situation and environment, I could have just jump over to his bedside and gently caress his back. I will do many other things.

Reality check: That would not happen.

My aim until the end of this week is to actual break the ice between us and start to have conversation. It is a shame for communication students like me failing in the simplest test. F**K!

Me, Myself and My former(s)

The past 3 days, I have been accidently meeting up with my former in-bed partners around town. First, this one MAS steward whom I was so fondly in too before I was in my relationship with my ex. This guy, call him Abg I, was spotted at Lot 10. I just got out from Thermos. My hair was done neatly. I noticed him from afar. And of course he did too, because as I approached and passed Dome he waved at me and gave me a nodding smile. I smiled back. He was with a few friends. As I already passed him, I heard my name being called. Dame. I turned back and there he was heading towards me. We shook hands. He was still cute the last time I left him. He was on a weekend break before flying again. We had the usual chat. I had to rush to airport, so I made the conversation quick. He did asked if I had the same number. I said yes. So we parted. F**K! He had my old number.

Today, I drove to Desa Pandan to buy some hardware stuff with mum. I registered myself at the Driving Centre too. But when I returned to see mum at the hardware shop, I saw a famillar guy. But he was with this woman and a child. Gosh! Is that who I thought it was?!

2 years ago, I was madly in love with this one Malay guy, who happen to stay in the same Condo but at different block. He was an upcoming lawyer in town. Then, I was just an aspiring Law student. But it strucked us both immediately (after only a week of sleeping over at his place), that he was already planning to get married. And he also had a lover (a man!) too. So I dropped everything and waved goodbye.

It was him whom I say, and I did my very best to avoid him. But my silly Mowhawk hairstyle is too easy to be noticed and he saw me. He smiled and approached me. We shook hands and he intoduced his wife. I said, "Hi sir". He introduced me as his student, because he was a lecturer at UPM before this. Which was the perfect cover up. I could have blurted out, and said that I have sucked your husband cock before.

I'm happy for him.

But I'm just so confused with myslef now.

Selamat Tahun Baru to all!

Being a student, I really hate the holidays. We had Sultan of Selangor's birthday on the 18th of December, Christmas on the 25th and New Year's, all of it coincidently falls on the Sunday. Automatically we have our Monday a holiday. I find it frustrating because I have been missing my Monday lecturers, especially for 2 important subjects. Although I can do some catch up on reading, but I do still feel the importance of having the lecturers in class tutoring us. Isn't that their rightful duty?!

Whatever it is, I have my Semester exams in March. And I have targeted to score a minimal 3.5 score. The reason is that I want to give it a shot on the scholarship of which will entitle me on 75% off from the tuition fee. And also that I would be able received 1-3K if I have tremendous co-curricullar activites. Duh! Cheerleading. To achieve this, I have to work hard.

I just love myself, and the things I am doing at this moment.

I know I am missing some important things at the moment. I was given a choice and I have decided. I hope many good things will come in return. If not, then I have to suck it all in and learn from this.

What I am looking forward this year:
1. A car for myself. Mummy is okay with it. I'm taking my license class next week. Registered this morning. Irony huh?
2. Now that I am a full time student, all I need to do is to study as much, and to score as high. I desperately want the scholarship. So if it takes to sleep with the old man at the admin, I wouldn't mind too. Haha! Gila kah?!
3. Cheerleading, and a new calendar. Many things to achieve this year. I know it is going to be much more difficult in terms of working things out, as we would be left alone on our own with no adult supervision. I just ask for God's guidance and all. I believe I can do it.
Countries that I am expected to fly to: Indonesia, Thailand, Singapore and UK.
4. And to be a great man to myself, my family and my lovely friends. I just want to be free, to be able to do things I want to do, and to reach more goals. I don't want to be noticed, but I want to appreciate.

I will be turning 23 this February, single and determined, I just hope for a better year ahead of me. I could be f**king more man, but this heart of mine will still stay within me. I am still unstable. My feelings for him is still burning. But only time will wash this all away. This flame will soon die. Or not.

It has been an amazing week for me. First of all, I would like to sincerely apologise for not being able to update any posts here. Sorry for keeping you logged on this page and getting frustrated. Here is a re-cap on the last week of 2005.

Christmas Day (25/12)

Dad wasn't around (back in Sarawak for some official visit), so I decided to take charge and be the man of the house. I told mum to let me decide on Christmas plans. I treated my family for a good Christmas lunch at this fancy restaurant at Great Eastern Mall.

Boxing Day (26/12)

It's holiday everywhere today. I stopped by at Thermos for some good relaxation. Met someone whom was really nice. Though it was akward, in the sense that I was wooing his friend in the first place and finally got him instead. A tagged along afterwards for tea at Kak Ara and got to know this guy personally. He is so suitable. Today my sister turns 20. I bought her a ring.

I'm the Man! (28/12)

Mum left to Sarawak this morning. And I have the full authority to the car, with the consent from mum. The reason is that it is convenient for us to drive up and down from college and back home as my younger-spoilt-dumb brother is at home alone. So it has been driving up the highway most of the days, spending so much on petrol. F**K.

This is it, Vennetto! (30/12)

My boyfriend, or my ex, is finally an ex. Today he came over the house and took the cats back, practically taking away everything. I mean the relationship. It tooked nearly half an hour for him to confront my confused feelings. I was disturbed at that moment. We were standing on the road side. Cars were moving, slowing down, peeping on us. (On the cats actually...they were bogged in the cage). He was trying to get answers from me, for my confused behavious. I myself, I was really not in the mood to speak. To say something. No explanation. So he purposely forced me to say that it is over, of which I had no choice to. So I said the words I hated to say...."*****, I don't want to see you anymore."....... It was really difficult for me to say them. I knew he was ready to hear them, but reality check it sucked both of us in. He left speeding away, and I crawled back to the carpark, hopeless, helpless, trying to figure out the every word I said.

I drove out. I cried. I scremed, I cried. I'm an asshole. I think.

All Cried Out by Allure was on air, that did not help. Jam was bad. Neighbours peeped on me. I was the road drama then. I hated it. I cried again.

The New Hope (31/12)

It has been a blast 2005. How dreams become reality. How love showed many wonderful things. My family. My friends. My love.

I decided to spend my evening with my sister, brother and cousin at home.

I cooked us some chicken chop-home style, loads of drinks, and bought new dvds. We watched Jessica Alba tring out as an Iban-girl in The Sleeping Dictionary. Watched Julia Roberts and Jude Law in Closer. Watched the fire-works from the balcony.

The Countdown Begins (1/1/06)

Sunday morning, the first day of 2006. Whereelse do I find solace than church. I had not much sleep earlier because I was invited for a late night supper at 3am with this guy. There was nothing much going on because I was not in the right frame to do anything. I knew he was up to something, but I have already made up my mind that we were out for just a drink.

After church, we got home. Cleaning the house. Mum called to remind on her flight.

The raining evening didn't stopped me from going to Thermos. This time around, I was there invited by an old friend to catch up on time. It was new year, surprisingly though there weren't that much too offer either. Man it sucked! Mum arrived KLIA at nearly 10pm.